Have you heard about this little show I’m directing? Just something silly called Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’m finding out that I really love directing. Seriously.

Also, there might be a fella.He has been putting a smile on my face. Honestly, Friday was the first time we hung out and I have seen him every day since. 5/5 =] I like him because even though I’m not giving this kid any tests to pass, I feel like he’s passing them anyways. Sleep over, doesn’t touch me. Another sleep over, respects space and doesn’t try to make a move. He wants to see me, but there is no rushing. We haven’t even kissed yet! He has also cooked for me twice, pasta and also shrimp scampi. Now we’re having a discussion over morals.
Me- Only an idiot would plagiarize
Him- or someone who has no morals
me- academic integrity and morals i feel people would keep separate, but I say that because I do. i stick to my morals but I know that students that would cheat on their girl before they cheat on a paper. Which will take you farther, school or pussy. Rarely is it the latter.
Him- Which leads to greater happiness?
Me- well there is bad sex, but really I would still say education makes you happier because you’re smart enough to know the value of all that you have. But if you also find someone to have great sex with than I don’t see how that can ever be a bad thing.
Him- I’d rather be in love and have something truly beautiful that get an A on some exam I’ll not care about the second I’m done taking it. just my thoughts!
Me- I have yet to experience a relationship where I can love and be loved back so I have no idea what I would sacrifice. But you’re right, a good relationship is worth value.
Him- I’d sacrifice a substantial amount but the best part is that I won’t have to sacrifice anything once I find the right person so the point is moot!
Me- I agree completely.

I like this kid. I’m going to keep him around.

One exam for the week then it’s smooth sailing and time to go home.
Now it’s just bed time.

“I still thought about you all the time.” “You never forget the first person you really care for.”
If I heard these things from anyone else I would say that they were lying. Not you.
I admitted to you that I loved you two years ago. Isn’t that insane, to feel like we can pick up right where we left off- after the tears, the hate, the heartache. Now there is nothing to hold us back from anything, and the best part is that I feel I can be the old and new me around you- around everyone else I don’t feel balanced (except Taylor).

I’m trying to say so many things at once. I’m trying to say that I feel that my tastes are completely different which effect how I feel about me. When I dress in clothes I usually wear and go to look at myself, I don’t see a familiar face. That means that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way doesn’t it? I listen to music and I feel zero attachment to these songs that I know every word to.

I see you for a few hours and suddenly I just want to write. Even when I had homework, sports, and any other obligation that kept me up till 11pm on a school night. I would still write till twelve- I had to, needed to. All those things in my head, just needed to be let out, they could have waited till tomorrow yes but I couldn’t. Now it’s 12:14 and I have class in the morning and exams to study for and I don’t care. I’ve got things on my mind that I feel I need to keep track of. I have written maybe 5 or 6 times total in the past 4 months, and now I just don’t want to stop.

There are events in my life that stand as milestones for me. I go back and read these things and suddenly I remember it all, or not at all. (I curse those myspace days when I would just use keywords, or inside jokes. I have no idea what I was talking about.)

Want to know something interesting, I think that our story could be sold as a book or even a cliche movie that everyone has seen before (only real people can relate because this is a real story). The Notebook, Time Travelers Wife, No Strings Attached, and Slumdog Millionaire- certain elements from all those movies could be used to describe how I feel about you.

We talked about memorable events, and some of the things you said were hard to remember, others made me realize that we both just really valued the simple things. You said you remembered our second first kiss, the one where I threw that candy cane, and we watched Night at the Roxbury when my mom told us that we were sitting too close. I remember the kiss, and my mom- but I didn’t remember the movie. I told you that I’d never forget the ride home from South Bend/ Dick’s Sporting Goods- I was sleepy and laying on you and every time a car’s headlights hit my face you would cover my eyes so I wouldn’t wake up. That one action- of such kindness, that’s what I’ll never forget. It makes you stand above all the rest.

We got on the topic of how strong I tried to be and how I never showed emotion after you ended it with me. “I had 4/5 classes with you both there as a couple. I had the best grades I had ever had in my classes because I told myself I’ll be damned if I look stupid in front of you two.” What else was I suppose to do? C never left you alone when you ended it with her- I wasn’t going to be desperate like that. You didn’t want me, I didn’t want you. But is it safe to say that maybe the love never ended? Even when I went days and weeks without thinking about you, there you were to torment me in my dreams, to tell me everything I needed to hear in this realistic and vivid dream. I would either wake up crying or remember the next day as soon as I passed you in the hallway so I could be hit with all those emotions at once.

Then there was last night, I was held some, then I got to be reminded of that look you give when you’re happy but don’t want to say anything, then when you put your hand on my forehead and stroked my hair, you held me some more, we said things we wouldn’t have said under different circumstances, and then bar-folk interrupted our goodbye (of you only walking me to my door). I think in the instant that you put your hand on my head was when I decided to give you a place back in my heart though, until I find someone to treat me the way you can treat me. I told you that I’m not looking for a relationship while I’m here at school, but I’m not saying that I don’t want one to find me. More than anything, I look forward to when it’s my chance to have a long relationship (it doesn’t have to be with you at all either).

There was my Summer of Reilly, and also a winter spent with you too- when do I get you for the other seasons? I refuse to tie you down, especially now when you have so much to experience, but I can’t wait until the next time I get to spend just a little more time with you.

I have sold my motorcycle, car, and have moved into the room I’m going to live in for the next year.

Reilly- You amaze me with all that you can do.
Now there is a good genuine compliment…

“I won’t tell you how I really feel unless I trust you, but I am blunt as hell.”
It’s is such a true statement for me- I’ll tell you want I’m thinking but it’s hard to tell you what I’m feeling. Feelings can make you week- so I try to not touch base with those too much, but I’m realizing more and more how hard and cold I seem- no, not seem- how cold I am. It’s like I can’t even tap into that side even if I wanted it, I try hard to figure out how I feel and what I want, but I’ve let reason overpower me too much. Pretty soon I’ll be acting like a machine- just work, work, work.

I got my first ticket.
It’s ten days until I move into my dorm.
Two days left to be spent with Daniel.
I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m ready.

But more than anything I’m tired and will go to bed now.
Nighty night.

“Talking to Annie a few days after another absurdly perfect date, we realized that modern women have been ruined — we’ve been raised to be Mirandas, distrusting of compliments, skeptical about sincerity. When I hear “you’re beautiful,” an internal eyebrow raises and the compliment is met with a tidal wave of skepticism. Why’s he saying that? What’s his deal? Is there really spinach on my face and he’s trying to tell me there’s spinach on my face without directly saying “there’s spinach on your face?””- A great wordpress post.

When you look past all the promiscuity and scandalous cheating- Sex and the City teaches really good and realistic lessons. Which is why there is a value in watching the episodes over and over again to remind yourself that it’s not always you, and sometimes- Yeah, it’s you and stop being a picky selfish bitch. =] And not to mention that they do sometimes wear HIDEOUS clothing at times.

This HD tv is too HD. I can see other details that make it very distracting.
Staying the night at the LongBeach family’s place babysitting.
Got my car back today too.

I’m reading my old posts from last summer and I sort of love it. I read my words and I know exactly who I was and what I was feeling. But it’s also interesting to see how much of myself will never change. I really do have a good head on my shoulders.

What do now and even then was never bad, I have having fun and figuring things out. It’s funny to think about the people you were with then and that it’s not that the friendships fell apart, but it felt right not to carry them on. I have Taylor, Paige, and occasionally Jessica and I feel that it’s enough, (and it’s all I have time for).

I have a cold and definitely had a fever last night.

Saturday my car broke down in Chicago in between State and Michigan. I was so lucky that when I took my foot off the break there was enough power in it left to get it in an ally where it sat for 3 hours with my hazards on. I sat on a sidewalk writing for the most part. I looked at it trying to figure out what could be wrong but it was beyond my knowledge. Then a police officer on foot came up to me and I started crying because he was yelling at me… I haven’t cried all summer (except when people died in Harry Potter) and this guy gets to me. Ugh- my dad called a tow truck to get it to a repair shop and from there I walked to work. It was a big pain in the ass. I was going to take the train home- but missed the 11:15 train and the next one wasn’t until 12:45- which means my dad would have to stay up until 2 AM to come and get me. I was just going to stay at Jade’s and take the train home in the morning, but then an act of kindness was made. Dave (my manager) gave me the keys to his car. At first I said no but then I accepted. I wanted to go home and I knew I would bring his car back soon anyways since I worked the next day.
As a way to say thank you, I A. Didn’t crash his car, B. vacuumed it, and C. had Dad fill it up. Dave can be good people.

I’m going to take a shower, clean some, and then get ready to go to the drive in with Paige, Christian, and Payton. =] Captain America and Transformers!

Since the fourth, I have driven 6 hours one way to go see family friends in Michigan. Four days of beach, boat, and sleep. There was a toe ring adventure, Dailey’s+ Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist+ Girl salad+ toddlers and tiara’s= good night and good memory, and Jill and I broke bed with Jesus. (We ate subway in a cemetery under a crucifix.) Only to drive home in time to go on a date and stop by Jess’s for a party. That was the 9th.

Between then and now- it’s been work work work. This past week I worked 58-62 hours in seven days. Working that much really just makes me realize that I work way to hard to spend my money on silly things. Which is a good lesson learned.

New: I have BC. I have a roommate. I have a dorm. I have a new bathing suit. I have a new FAFSA form. I have a plan. I have everything I need to move into college. I have an add on Craigslist for my motorcycle. I have a MacBook Pro that I’m going to name MacMahon.

Today- My teeth were drilled on by a dentist, I sat in a lake under the hot sun, gardened, ate watermelon, called Apple support, I sat and watched 1g5g (*My favorite show 1 Girl 5 Gays).

Time to write a private post. See you never.

Well, let’s start with the basics. I have a new job, I quit- yes QUIT, my last job for my new and better job. I have set up classes for college and just can’t wait for August 22nd to get here =]. I have been on two dates this summer and both have been with the same guy- someone I really like..

Truth be told I’m three weeks out of high school and really all I’ve done is work and drive to work besides the two days I painted and the one day Paige and I went to the beach and then Deed River Water Park. But I do feel like I’ve accomplished a lot even though I really haven’t. I love the people I work with and the relationships I have formed with them so far. All ready I’m treated better by them than most of my ‘friends’ treat me. And I receive genuine compliments almost everyday.

A lot of Soldiers that are in the Navy have been at Navy Pier. Every time I see one I catch my breath. Seriously, I clichely catch my breath because I’m hoping it’s you but it also terrifies me. I want to see you but I don’t know what I would do or say.

Everyone at work sang to me tonight for my birthday. There were mini cupcakes and candles to be blown out… I felt cared for, and really touched. No one had to spend money on me- but they did. Cupcakes aren’t free people. Danny at work even recorded it- why? Because we’re making memories here people. I got birthday kisses and hugs. I wore a sign on my back made by jade that said “it’s my birthday” and my tables even sang to me. Some were great- some didn’t care in the least bit. I received 53 posts on Facebook of birthday wishes. I appreciate every single one too.
Something that did surprise me is that I gave Benny a hug after the singing and he kissed my head. He had also said that he didn’t recognize me in the dress I was wearing and had done a double take…
The boy called tonight after a long night of bar hopping for his friends 21st. He said a lot of things- but I have to tell myself that a lot of the things he says are more for his benefit than mine. If I don’t I might foolishly believe him when he says:
-He’s incredibly picky about the girls that he dates
-he’ll feel more comfortable when I’m 19 instead of 18
-that he REALLY likes me
-that he’s tried looking for things to not like about me to make things easier for him
-‘story of my life’ I find a girl that I like but I just can’t be with her
-“If I could make you mine it would have been done”: if we could be in a relationship we’d be at that point already
-I’m emotional and i just can’t think about you and I certain ways (self preservation)
-that I’m more mature than he is
-that he told his mother about liking me a lot
-he likes me (how often can you actually believe those words)

Really- we’re kinda perfect for each other at the moment- but because of the distance and the fact that school is going to be here soon it’s pointless for a relationship. Long distance won’t and doesn’t work, so all we can do is act like we don’t like one another as much as we do or really want to and have fun with the time we spend together now. No pressure- chill. We’re not together- but I personally don’t feel apart… I’ve come to this conclusion. Manipulating myself and constantly telling myself that the things he does, doesn’t mean a thing- well, it’s bullshit.
This guy won’t do anything unless he doesn’t want to or isn’t driven to it. He could care less about so many things including what people think of him, including those closest to him. So what drives him to act, do, and say the things he does around me. Ugh.

Some fiction, with some historic facts. I’m reading a book right now that says he cross a bridge and comes across a woman holding her new baby about to jump off the Bride of Sighs in the the river. It was told that the bridge was a common to commit suiside, but venture over to Google, and the bridge he speaks of doesn’t have a river under it… the one in Venice does, but not England. Later they call it Waterloo Bridge- two COMPLETELY different places…

If I could get a picture in here I would… At the end of the day, I want to express that it’s a beautiful place. *Sigh…

What happens when you meet a complete stranger and put all of your faith into them. You place all of your (blind) trust into this someone- a stranger you only just met but feel like you know. Does that make them important? When you ask them a question where an answer could be life changing, do you listen and take what they said to heart?
“To heart”, a funny phrase that is used often but I suspect incorrectly. When taking advice- does it touch your heart if what was said simply moves you? Or is that just listening? Do you not only have to be moved/touched by what was said, or do you need to act on it as well? Change your life and not only listen, but act, and LIVE by what was said.

“Should I become a priest or get married?”
First you need to find out what you love. Scratch that, if you’re considering priesthood than you’ve clearly found love in Jesus Christ. But, also, do you know what you’re giving up? I have only caught a glimpse of love myself. I had it for a moment and then it was gone. But, I can still remember the feeling it gave me knowing that the person I felt that towards was feeling it in return towards ME. there is also loving someone and being in love- similar as it may sound, very different things.